A Different CBS Experience...

 Dear reader, I feel the compelling urge to warn you that what you are about to read is quite literally my stream of consciousness (Yes, I absolutely LOVE that phrase! It emphasizes so well how my brain processes things.). It scares me to think about how much my readers may possibly learn about me through my writings, since I try to be as open and honest with myself as I can about what I'm feeling and pondering, and those things will manifest themselves throughout my writings. In fact, my biggest fear in actually "blogging" these writings was that people would get to know more about me than I was comfortable with them knowing, but I've decided to use this opportunity for personal growth. If you as a reader find some meaningful content within these writings, Praise be to God! If not, know this - I am writing this stuff for my personal sanity; I can only hope that these writings challenge you to think.


                                                      --------------------------------------------------


               “Why a blog?” you may ask. Well, I’ve been blessed with many life-changing experiences over the last couple years, and the more time I’m given, the more I realize just how much specific experiences have shaped me. Honestly, this blog is intended to be a conveyance of my thoughts and feelings in the most cohesive manner possible. I’ve battled with myself long and hard over the past few weeks about whether or not I was actually going to take the plunge and start writing, but I’m becoming increasingly aware of the fact that if I do not convey these thoughts somehow, either written out or verbalized, I’ll go crazy.

               My mind has been a whirlwind of thought over the past few weeks. I enjoy this… to a certain degree... My habit has become to allow my commutes to and from work to be times in which I sit in either complete silence, or occasionally put some instrumental cover music on very quietly in the background and allow my thoughts to collect. Some days this culminates in me nearly falling asleep at a red light or something, but more often than not, my brain starts spinning – piecing observations ranging from the past day to the twelve years ago together and thinking through them.

               The thing that has been on my mind the most as of late happens to be my experience as a member of the staff at Calvary Bible School for the first seven and a half weeks of 2018. I was asked in September or October of 2017 if I would be willing to go as the “IT man” and, realizing that this was my way of putting back into a place that had taught me so much over the past two years that I had gone as a student, I eagerly jumped at the chance, and as soon as I had the boss’s ok, I began to make preparation… Ok, I began to look forward to it. In hindsight, I could have prepared a lot more, if I would have known what it had in store for me, but that’s an observation I will delve into more later.

               I expected to go to CBS as the “IT man”, a job description principal Rodger Byers coined, and basically tend to the inevitable computer and internet issues that would undoubtedly present themselves when one hundred twenty-something people gather together for 3 weeks at a time to study – computers become a very necessary tool for homework, both for the teachers assigning said homework and for the students who were burdened with typing up the assigned homework. Essentially, it was going to be an easy position to fulfill. I mean, I had been working with computers since I was eight years old! Working with CBS’s tech system was almost certainly going to be peanuts compared to some of the situations I had dealt with during my 3 years as a consumers sales and service tech. I also expected to, in my “free time”, work on editing the Calvary Clarion, an annual yearbook of sorts that is published for the students, staff, and others who wish to see what Bible School is all about. So pretty much, just fix the occasional glitch and spend the rest of the time holed up in my room doing graphics design, right?

Wrong!!! I put little pre-consideration into the fact that I was going to a BIBLE School, as a member of the staff, no less, and went fully unprepared for what would happen over the next seven and a half weeks. Perhaps what happened was God’s way of stretching me and humbling me to the point of realization without a doubt that asking Him for strength was the only way I was going to come out of this without some serious better for wear.

Whatever the case, after coasting through the first two weeks of first term, I became painfully aware of what kind of position I had been placed into. Here I was at a Bible School with around sixty-something youth that had come from all over the place to learn. It was extremely clear that a large majority of them had yet to learn some key lessons that I had begun to realize the gravity of in my late teenage years (and believe you me, I by no means feel like I have it together! Quite the opposite, actually!). The naivete and outright immaturity of some of these individuals gnawed at me. It was at this point that I came to the realization of what God actually wanted from me – complete surrender to Him! Here I was, surrounded by searching youth, and I had just gone through some of the hardest things I had yet to face in my life, and these guys were just about ready to get doused with the same life lessons. Now, I have no doubt that others tend to learn about and experience life in different ways than I have, but it came ever more apparent that I had something that quite a number these guys didn’t have – experience (albeit a very small margin).

Even more inspiring were the deans, two Godly young men who I had been blessed with being given the privilege to work alongside of. In the short amount of time that I spent with them, I realized the had something for these guys that I didn’t quite have – a burden to be God’s servants in whatever He had planned for Bible School. This realization hit me especially hard during the second week when I witnessed them day in and day out ending “interviews” stressed out, but determined to continue. There was a passion there that I wanted to latch on to too!

Now my growing up years are nothing like the typical Beachy boys’ experiences, but they’ve shaped me in very distinct ways. However, I had cried out to God numerous times in the past, questioning why I was given the experiences I was given, and how they could possibly be used for the Kingdom. Furthermore, I had been pleading with God to allow me to truly care for those around me. Well, this was one clever way God chose to answer the burning desires of my heart!

However, it became painfully apparent as all these realizations began to produce themselves in my thinking process that I could not do it alone. There was no possible way that little old me would be able to take it upon myself and go out and share with these guys. Past experiences had taught me that simply waltzing up to a random guy and promptly blabbering my life story to him was a prime way to get him to turn away, roll his eyes, and comment to a friend about how selfish and conceited that “Michael guy” was. (Part of my God-given personality is the gift of speech – however, if influenced by pride and selfishness, this blessing can soon turn to something that annoys the living daylights out of all those in the near vicinity.) No, this required me lay down all selfish motive for interacting with others. So I went to God!

Experience and past observations had also taught me that God can take those “annoying” characteristics of peoples’ personalities and redeem them, so I took my case to God. This was NOT easy. As I alluded to earlier, I was not nearly as prepared for Bible School as I should have been, and my relationship with God was functional at best. As one student aptly put it, I found myself “viewing God as a vending machine” – I would insert my coins (prayer) and expect the answer to be nicely dispensed for me. Then I would go along my merry way until the next need for prayer arose. This was a problem, and it became an intentional daily goal of mine to build a truly meaningful and intentional relationship with God. I had no idea how much this would affect me.

I cannot expound enough on the enormity of the impact this made on my day-to-day life!!! The most obvious change was socially. Rather than having to force myself to go out and associate with the students, and even then feeling a mild sense of superiority because “after all, I was a seasoned veteran at this Bible School thing – to the point that they had asked me back as staff”; I began to enjoy interacting with the guys! Even more elating, I began feeling a deep, caring burden for these guys! I no longer had to force myself to pray for them; I wanted to pray for them, personally, as I began to get to know them and discover the different things that each of them were facing, whether seemingly insignificant, or really big. I was awash with exhilaration that God had answered my prayers, and had finally brought me to the point where I REALLY CARED FOR THOSE AROUND ME!

It was then, when I began to truly be able to take a personal interest in the guys, that I began to witness God’s work among them. Chains were being broken, leaders were being formed, guys were starting to seek out who God really was! It was a spectacular experience to feel a part of God’s work. I was excited beyond words!!!

But sadly, as all good things do, my extended time at CBS began to come to a close. Second term finished, and with that, many of the guys who I had witnessed grow and overcome some amazing things in the previous six weeks, headed home. In a way, part of my passion diminished. Maybe it was the realization that it was all over, and in several days I would be heading home as well. Maybe it was the sheer pile of work that left me wiped out the last day of term. It still bothers me that it happened, and I prayed and continue to pray desperately that God would give me the same burden for third term, regardless of how little time I will actually spend on the CBS campus.

So that brings me to today, tormented with a volley of thoughts on the way home from work, ultimately culminating in a firm resolve to verbalize everything in the form of a write-up. Where do I go from here? I firmly believe that God will continue to bring things to light from the past few weeks that will continue to teach me more about Him and more about myself, and how I fit into His master plan. But how do I handle the deep sadness and realization that the mountaintop experience is over? How do I avoid the “Elijah experience”, in which he experienced a HUGE demonstration of God’s power, but a chapter later, had all but given up? I continue to ask God to allow me to feel a burden for those I come directly in contact with throughout the week. I want desperately to feel the same way for the individuals of my youth group that I did for the students at CBS.

The question then becomes, how do I reintegrate? How do I take these experiences and learn from them, without forming expectations in my mind that every time I come in contact with people, I will begin to feel the same burden for them. Is this expectation too high, or should I be hoping to achieve this? I mean, this is the real life, right? CBS is a greenhouse for spiritual growth. How do I take the lessons I learned there and apply them to my life even though life outside the fences of the Ozark campus is cold, hard, and full of pitfalls? 

These are the questions that torment me, and yet, I have hope. I have witnessed what God can do. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is real, and that He has plans for me beyond CBS. I choose to cling to this hope!